Wednesday, September 27

For Your Labelling Purposes

Now is Ramadaan--a time to discover and address the impurities and defilements affecting our souls.

Hatred is a form of indulgence, because it rises out of resignation of the much more difficult endeavor of continual understanding and justification to make the actions of others palatable. I've never hated anyone. No one. Ever. But perhaps today, I indulge.

Our souls grow and shrink and change in ways that are only "the intangible." And although not even the neo-social sciences can empirically prove the existence of these processes (despite emergences in fields like psychometrics, which can only attempt such a task), we can each "feel" the state of our souls. Sometimes it "feels" alive, sometimes it "feels" numb, sometimes it "feels" restless. You may have attributed these things to the metaphorical heart rather than soul. But I would argue that a heart can be given away, whereas the soul is the inescapable self in this life. Am I right? And so a person may very possibly feel only within their soul, while having forgotten whatever they once did with a heart. Then again, this is my humble hypothesis.

Some people feel their weak, hurt, helpless souls empowered by throwing around the weight of their self-righteous authority in others' lives. Let it be clear that by self-righteous, I don't mean "religious"-types. No, religious role models, for me, would never try to play intercessor between me and Allah in this dunya by imposition. Rather, it is always the persons who grab me by the arm, "guiding" me to self-improvement and the growth I apparently need...and never realizing that their "helping hand" all but bruises into my bones. People of this kind are the Joe Starks' of my reality, whose "talkin' don't amount tuh a hill uh beans when [they] can't do nothin' else." * And believe it or not, in all my life, all except one of such people have been women.

I've grown sore of "helpful" people, of their honest opinions. These people have perpetuated my struggles, without ever having taken the time to get to know me. And truth be told, I don't like being at the focus of anyone's attention, because when I am, it only seems to yield "self-improvement" tips. I'd like to be ignored, to remain unseen, untouched by people's fingerprints. And because of them, I find myself choosing silence more and more than sharing my thoughts with them as they so generously do with me...such people have been as leeches, "improving my circulation," without realizing that they only drain me of my own blood to replace it with a substance they secrete. And so I find my soul this Ramadaan drained of what it used to feel flow through its veins--I find my soul anemic.

But to those who have been otherwise: You have been as the stars in the night sky. You are anonymous to even yourselves, because you will never know how often from a distance I gaze at your being and thank Allah for your existences. Your light, however far away, in distance or consciousness, is reflected in the moisture of my eyes that I refuse to let turn to tears when the helpful have left me alone to contemplate and absorb their words--their bitterness and negativity, till I've become an image of their souls. And you are the ones I gaze at when my soul seeks refuge from this polluted place. May Allah, Subhanahu wa Ta`Aala, increase your lights, even if not one ray should ever reach my senses.

*Quoted from Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God


rima said...

bitter. poignant. insightful.

interesting post. as with all, it reveals much about you to those who understand :) i guess i'm trying to say i liked it :)

EA said...

I feel a bit guilty, and self conscious now...

Samira said...

ea, as i have pointed out before, i say once again, YOU R AWESOME.

wa bhabi, anti awesome baydhaan, bisabab tafhumeen. jaks