Thursday, March 2

Assessment 1

My internet suddenly began working again. I hope that's a good thing (it just decided to go on a sabbatical during my midterms' week--conveniently enough).

I restarted this "zabiha" thing sometime last week. I did it for two or three years, then met some people whom I looked up to as role models, one of whom once asked me to get him a teryaki chicken sub from Subway, and I, being a naive and impressionable college freshman, allowed myself to find justification to leave the zabiha thing. Very lame--I know. Being a silly girl enslaved to utter naivete, vulnerable to the plagues of youth, and sheer ignorance, really, has been a horrible experience.

Since then, I've tried to eliminate as much contact with people as possible--a year in the middle of nowhere helped. I think I'm closer to being my own person, although I see how much the people I've met have impacted my identity development. I've learned to use a more fine-toothed comb.


So this return to zabiha is not what it may seem. I think I could argue either way, for or against it. I realized that I had lost a lot of self-discipline since I quit back in freshman year. I want it back. I think becoming more self-conscious about the decisions I make will help me with other areas of my life that need work.

Speaking of decisions and self-discipline...

*sigh*


I think I have a clear vision of where I want my life to lead. I've always been a planner, always capable of dreaming ambitiously, but now my prioritizing actually involves actions to speak for my ambitions. I guess there's a lot I want to do--much that would even seem contradictory. But having made some observations, having analyzed them for a few months (and years, for some things), I've made some conclusive decisions I've begun to act upon.* This is a good thing (i'A).

Many of the dreams I once had have been materialized; Surprisingly, I'm not impressed. Not disappointed, but not "fulfilled." This could have been a bad thing if I had been [even] less mature. But being a true skeptic, and more egoistic (imanically) than capricious with respect to allowing myself to pursue certain ambitions, I think I've escaped some phases with minimal damage. Al Hamdulillah. And in the process, I've found what I want to pursue in this life.

The akhirah is truly everything. I'm glad that not only can I think this inside my head, but that my experiences reflect it in every way. This life is only infinite layers of facades; And so easily can they disappear. I'm glad I have Islam to remind me. Al Hamdulillah :)


-END-

*PS Stop trying to guess; Steer away from assumptions--you may be wrong. (Also a pseudo-note-to-self, in general). However, you may choose to ignore this note, though every decision has consequences.

2 comments:

rima said...

good post mashaa allah. inshaa allah this way of thinking will only bring you khair. don't let anyone or anything distract you from that

Samira said...

JAKs. Call no longer necessary :) But you may still call me :D